At a Crossroads

mental rambling....

There are moments in our lives when we stand perfectly balanced at the crossroads, knowing one step in any particular direction will forever change everything. It is a scary place to teeter at. Fear can have us balancing right there at that spot for an indefinite amount of time. Hoping that if we don't breath too hard, we won't fall. But often the step in one direction or another isn't of our own volition. And sometimes... sometimes we have to gather our courage and just leap into the fire, knowing our past will be burnt to cinders, leaving a wasteland.

You never know right then, at that moment if you've made the right choice. Chosen the correct path of action. But it is action. And it is by choice. When you look behind you and all you see is unhappiness, then you know its time to deliberately take that step and move forward... in an entirely new direction.

Stomp! Stomp! Stomp!

Men!

AUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

That's it.

I'm becoming a lesbian.

I'm serious.

Or androgynous. One or the other.

Don't mind me.

I'm just... BANGING HEAD ON DESK... a tad bit... KICKING THE WALL... annoyed right now.

Pffft.

I'm getting myself to a nunnery henceforth and forthwith and ... and... gonna as soon as i find a nonreligious one.

geeeeeez

sometimes i talk too much. decided against advisability of that last post and deleted it. besides - it made me sound stoopid.

The age old battle

It isn't discussed often, because most of my friends are smart enough to know when to leave a sensative topic alone, but almost everyone close to me is aware that I am just a touch insecure. Probably no more than most average women. I'm not sure. I haven't passed out the "how insecure are you" survey. Yet.

Luckily for me it is balanced by having an ego the size of a small country. It seems to work out in the wash. But there is a rather large part of me that does an eyeroll and wonders if people don't need to get their eyes checked when they say i'm beautiful. Sure, I appreciate the compliment and it makes me feel good but I can't dismiss that voice inside that says "hello, Miz Freckle-face - Michelle Pfieffer you ain't."

And time partnered with gravity isn't making overlooking those inner insecurities any easier. Gravity meet my boobs... we'll be waging war in the gym every day now for the rest of my life. Looking in the mirror at boobage that is definitely not as perky as it used to be, i suspect that gravity will ultimately win that battle. The bitch.

And wrinkles? When the fuck did wrinkles creep up next to my eyes? I woke up one morning earlier this year and they were just THERE. Came out of nowhere like ninja assassins and took up residence. Fortunately I have found some lotions that help beat them into submission, but doesn't erase them completely. I see them. Yeah... just waiting to dig their crevaces deeper into my skin. Bastards!

Oh, then there is our lovely friend cellulite. I'm pretty sure i spend wayyyyy too much time glaring at the backs of my thighs in the mirror. The cellulite vanishing cream - totally useless. Cellulite laughs in its face.

And don't get me started on tummy pooch. I already know that bitch is situp resistant and the only way to beat her is with a surgeon's knife. Yeah - someday... when i have the extra cash. ~wincing in advance~

I truly admire women that can age gracefully and honestly maintain a "i don't give a fuck" attitude. But in my case, I had limited resources to begin with, so I'm not going down gracefully.

Beautiful? Not hardly. But i'm fighting like an enraged Amazon to maintain what i have for as long as I can.

Itchy Skin

what is it that provokes a sense of discomfort and the itchy need for change?

i find myself being overly sensative lately, distrustful and impatient.

maybe it is nothing more than wanting things i can't have and gnashing my teeth at myself for wanting them.

in the past, when i would get very itchy skin and fall under the weight of needing drastic change, i would pack up shop and vanish, reappearing with a new face and making new friends.

fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it - that is no longer an option.

i've got friends now that i've tied myself to in ways that cannot be severed so quickly, easily - nor do i want to let them go... i don't think i could even if i wanted to. (I think my inner self came up with that plan to outwit me so i could no longer run like a skittish coyote or chicken shit.)

So my skin itches and i strain against invisible bindings with no discernable way of relieving the itch.

i need to do something though... some small change... something.

One Door Closes and Another One Opens

I have always detested that saying. Mostly because someone always says it just as a door is being slammed in your face. Despite my dislike of the assinine platitude, it sometimes proves to be true.

Lately it seems I've been dealing with a number of doors either slamming shut or quietly being closed, locked, and barricaded. The most recent hit me in ass as I was unceremoniously tossed out. What can you do? Shit happens and sometimes we never find out why. (I try not to press my ear to the door once it has been closed in my face.)

You dust yourself off, mentally come to grips with reality and then take a look around. Because you'll never notice a new door cracking open if you're huddled in a corner having a pity party. And usually the new door has absolutely nothing to do with the old ones... it is just a possible path to a new direction.

Sometimes, that is all we need.

Shoooeeesssssss