The age old battle

It isn't discussed often, because most of my friends are smart enough to know when to leave a sensative topic alone, but almost everyone close to me is aware that I am just a touch insecure. Probably no more than most average women. I'm not sure. I haven't passed out the "how insecure are you" survey. Yet.

Luckily for me it is balanced by having an ego the size of a small country. It seems to work out in the wash. But there is a rather large part of me that does an eyeroll and wonders if people don't need to get their eyes checked when they say i'm beautiful. Sure, I appreciate the compliment and it makes me feel good but I can't dismiss that voice inside that says "hello, Miz Freckle-face - Michelle Pfieffer you ain't."

And time partnered with gravity isn't making overlooking those inner insecurities any easier. Gravity meet my boobs... we'll be waging war in the gym every day now for the rest of my life. Looking in the mirror at boobage that is definitely not as perky as it used to be, i suspect that gravity will ultimately win that battle. The bitch.

And wrinkles? When the fuck did wrinkles creep up next to my eyes? I woke up one morning earlier this year and they were just THERE. Came out of nowhere like ninja assassins and took up residence. Fortunately I have found some lotions that help beat them into submission, but doesn't erase them completely. I see them. Yeah... just waiting to dig their crevaces deeper into my skin. Bastards!

Oh, then there is our lovely friend cellulite. I'm pretty sure i spend wayyyyy too much time glaring at the backs of my thighs in the mirror. The cellulite vanishing cream - totally useless. Cellulite laughs in its face.

And don't get me started on tummy pooch. I already know that bitch is situp resistant and the only way to beat her is with a surgeon's knife. Yeah - someday... when i have the extra cash. ~wincing in advance~

I truly admire women that can age gracefully and honestly maintain a "i don't give a fuck" attitude. But in my case, I had limited resources to begin with, so I'm not going down gracefully.

Beautiful? Not hardly. But i'm fighting like an enraged Amazon to maintain what i have for as long as I can.

Itchy Skin

what is it that provokes a sense of discomfort and the itchy need for change?

i find myself being overly sensative lately, distrustful and impatient.

maybe it is nothing more than wanting things i can't have and gnashing my teeth at myself for wanting them.

in the past, when i would get very itchy skin and fall under the weight of needing drastic change, i would pack up shop and vanish, reappearing with a new face and making new friends.

fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it - that is no longer an option.

i've got friends now that i've tied myself to in ways that cannot be severed so quickly, easily - nor do i want to let them go... i don't think i could even if i wanted to. (I think my inner self came up with that plan to outwit me so i could no longer run like a skittish coyote or chicken shit.)

So my skin itches and i strain against invisible bindings with no discernable way of relieving the itch.

i need to do something though... some small change... something.