One Door Closes and Another One Opens

I have always detested that saying. Mostly because someone always says it just as a door is being slammed in your face. Despite my dislike of the assinine platitude, it sometimes proves to be true.

Lately it seems I've been dealing with a number of doors either slamming shut or quietly being closed, locked, and barricaded. The most recent hit me in ass as I was unceremoniously tossed out. What can you do? Shit happens and sometimes we never find out why. (I try not to press my ear to the door once it has been closed in my face.)

You dust yourself off, mentally come to grips with reality and then take a look around. Because you'll never notice a new door cracking open if you're huddled in a corner having a pity party. And usually the new door has absolutely nothing to do with the old ones... it is just a possible path to a new direction.

Sometimes, that is all we need.

Shoooeeesssssss

Bagful of Worry

I feel like an extraordinary number of my close friends are dealing with serious health issues lately. I don't know if that is a normal part of growing older or if the percentage of healthy people suddenly coming down with dire illnesses is rising overall.

I got an email last night from one of closest and oldest (as in number of years we've known each other) friends. I think he's about mid-forties now, has always been a health fanatic with a regimented daily workout, until some disks in his back collapsed recently and he had to have back surgery a month ago. During the course of THAT treatment they discovered that he has serious heart problem due to a defective valve. He has to have open heart surgery next month. Open freakin heart surgery!!!

He must have known I was going to go into fullblown panic mode because his message was packed full of reassurances that it was a good thing it was caught early, blah, blah, blah.

Open HEART surgery!!!!

Yeah. I'm mildly freaked. I lie. I'm totally freaked.

I'm carrying around a bag with me everyday that is stuffed full of thoughts and prayers for several people who i love dearly that are going through all manner of difficulties. I open the bag and pour my heart into it daily. It just got a little more crowded in there.

Feeling better

Being sick sucks moldy ass. Truly. Antibiotics are finally kicking in and I feel more like myself again. Working on stories and that also helps with my mood. Also during the photoshoot tonight, the members of the band playing kept winking at me. Since they were all hot to hotter - that helped with my ego. ~grin~

Listened to myself on the local radio show that I taped the other day (while feeling like a piece of moldy ass) and was surprised at how good and professional I sounded. I guess doing the weekly show has helped with my "radio persona". LOL! My voice sounded much smoother in the studio than i do in the call-ins. I sure do laugh a lot though.

Bought new shoes today - that ALWAYS makes a girl feel better. Two pairs of uber sexy stilettos. They are gonna kill my feet after ten minutes of walking in them but look totally kickass.

~happy sigh~

Shoes.

Friday Morning Blues

Maybe i'm morose because i'm under the weather. Dark, bleak thoughts keep trying to lay claim to me even though i keep shoving them away.

I'm an analyzer. I look for the subtext in everything and rarely take anything at surface value. This includes conversations with very close friends. I should qualify that I suppose... I don't do it ALL the time or with everybody. But often - yeah.

Sure, there are times I pick apart a conversation - go back over things said to me - and completely misinterpret what was verbalized, applying my own context and evaluation based on where I'm at or where i've been. But I'm also cognizant of that danger and apply a certain amount of self-caution when I catch myself peeling back the onion layers to try and figure out what is REALLY going on... what is really meant... what is really being said... and what was left unsaid.

Is that a woman thing to do? An artist's proclivity? Or just a freaky aspect of the person i am?

I can chew on a conversation for days. Usually it is one that has sent up intuitive red flags. I'll fray the threads and try to follow them mentally to the source, then bind them back to view them from a different angle. Do i ever wave these plucked shreds in the face of the person who coughed them up? No. Hardly ever.

I store them and wait.

Risk

The thing about risk is that it entails something that can be lost.

By the same token it also offers something to be gained.

The only way we learn about ourselves and grow beyond our self-imposed boundaries is by taking risks... stepping out of our comfort zone and taking chances.

Risk involving other people is usually even more... risky.

But sometimes well worth it.