At a Crossroads

mental rambling....

There are moments in our lives when we stand perfectly balanced at the crossroads, knowing one step in any particular direction will forever change everything. It is a scary place to teeter at. Fear can have us balancing right there at that spot for an indefinite amount of time. Hoping that if we don't breath too hard, we won't fall. But often the step in one direction or another isn't of our own volition. And sometimes... sometimes we have to gather our courage and just leap into the fire, knowing our past will be burnt to cinders, leaving a wasteland.

You never know right then, at that moment if you've made the right choice. Chosen the correct path of action. But it is action. And it is by choice. When you look behind you and all you see is unhappiness, then you know its time to deliberately take that step and move forward... in an entirely new direction.

Stomp! Stomp! Stomp!

Men!

AUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

That's it.

I'm becoming a lesbian.

I'm serious.

Or androgynous. One or the other.

Don't mind me.

I'm just... BANGING HEAD ON DESK... a tad bit... KICKING THE WALL... annoyed right now.

Pffft.

I'm getting myself to a nunnery henceforth and forthwith and ... and... gonna as soon as i find a nonreligious one.

geeeeeez

sometimes i talk too much. decided against advisability of that last post and deleted it. besides - it made me sound stoopid.

The age old battle

It isn't discussed often, because most of my friends are smart enough to know when to leave a sensative topic alone, but almost everyone close to me is aware that I am just a touch insecure. Probably no more than most average women. I'm not sure. I haven't passed out the "how insecure are you" survey. Yet.

Luckily for me it is balanced by having an ego the size of a small country. It seems to work out in the wash. But there is a rather large part of me that does an eyeroll and wonders if people don't need to get their eyes checked when they say i'm beautiful. Sure, I appreciate the compliment and it makes me feel good but I can't dismiss that voice inside that says "hello, Miz Freckle-face - Michelle Pfieffer you ain't."

And time partnered with gravity isn't making overlooking those inner insecurities any easier. Gravity meet my boobs... we'll be waging war in the gym every day now for the rest of my life. Looking in the mirror at boobage that is definitely not as perky as it used to be, i suspect that gravity will ultimately win that battle. The bitch.

And wrinkles? When the fuck did wrinkles creep up next to my eyes? I woke up one morning earlier this year and they were just THERE. Came out of nowhere like ninja assassins and took up residence. Fortunately I have found some lotions that help beat them into submission, but doesn't erase them completely. I see them. Yeah... just waiting to dig their crevaces deeper into my skin. Bastards!

Oh, then there is our lovely friend cellulite. I'm pretty sure i spend wayyyyy too much time glaring at the backs of my thighs in the mirror. The cellulite vanishing cream - totally useless. Cellulite laughs in its face.

And don't get me started on tummy pooch. I already know that bitch is situp resistant and the only way to beat her is with a surgeon's knife. Yeah - someday... when i have the extra cash. ~wincing in advance~

I truly admire women that can age gracefully and honestly maintain a "i don't give a fuck" attitude. But in my case, I had limited resources to begin with, so I'm not going down gracefully.

Beautiful? Not hardly. But i'm fighting like an enraged Amazon to maintain what i have for as long as I can.

Itchy Skin

what is it that provokes a sense of discomfort and the itchy need for change?

i find myself being overly sensative lately, distrustful and impatient.

maybe it is nothing more than wanting things i can't have and gnashing my teeth at myself for wanting them.

in the past, when i would get very itchy skin and fall under the weight of needing drastic change, i would pack up shop and vanish, reappearing with a new face and making new friends.

fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it - that is no longer an option.

i've got friends now that i've tied myself to in ways that cannot be severed so quickly, easily - nor do i want to let them go... i don't think i could even if i wanted to. (I think my inner self came up with that plan to outwit me so i could no longer run like a skittish coyote or chicken shit.)

So my skin itches and i strain against invisible bindings with no discernable way of relieving the itch.

i need to do something though... some small change... something.

One Door Closes and Another One Opens

I have always detested that saying. Mostly because someone always says it just as a door is being slammed in your face. Despite my dislike of the assinine platitude, it sometimes proves to be true.

Lately it seems I've been dealing with a number of doors either slamming shut or quietly being closed, locked, and barricaded. The most recent hit me in ass as I was unceremoniously tossed out. What can you do? Shit happens and sometimes we never find out why. (I try not to press my ear to the door once it has been closed in my face.)

You dust yourself off, mentally come to grips with reality and then take a look around. Because you'll never notice a new door cracking open if you're huddled in a corner having a pity party. And usually the new door has absolutely nothing to do with the old ones... it is just a possible path to a new direction.

Sometimes, that is all we need.

Shoooeeesssssss

Bagful of Worry

I feel like an extraordinary number of my close friends are dealing with serious health issues lately. I don't know if that is a normal part of growing older or if the percentage of healthy people suddenly coming down with dire illnesses is rising overall.

I got an email last night from one of closest and oldest (as in number of years we've known each other) friends. I think he's about mid-forties now, has always been a health fanatic with a regimented daily workout, until some disks in his back collapsed recently and he had to have back surgery a month ago. During the course of THAT treatment they discovered that he has serious heart problem due to a defective valve. He has to have open heart surgery next month. Open freakin heart surgery!!!

He must have known I was going to go into fullblown panic mode because his message was packed full of reassurances that it was a good thing it was caught early, blah, blah, blah.

Open HEART surgery!!!!

Yeah. I'm mildly freaked. I lie. I'm totally freaked.

I'm carrying around a bag with me everyday that is stuffed full of thoughts and prayers for several people who i love dearly that are going through all manner of difficulties. I open the bag and pour my heart into it daily. It just got a little more crowded in there.

Feeling better

Being sick sucks moldy ass. Truly. Antibiotics are finally kicking in and I feel more like myself again. Working on stories and that also helps with my mood. Also during the photoshoot tonight, the members of the band playing kept winking at me. Since they were all hot to hotter - that helped with my ego. ~grin~

Listened to myself on the local radio show that I taped the other day (while feeling like a piece of moldy ass) and was surprised at how good and professional I sounded. I guess doing the weekly show has helped with my "radio persona". LOL! My voice sounded much smoother in the studio than i do in the call-ins. I sure do laugh a lot though.

Bought new shoes today - that ALWAYS makes a girl feel better. Two pairs of uber sexy stilettos. They are gonna kill my feet after ten minutes of walking in them but look totally kickass.

~happy sigh~

Shoes.

Friday Morning Blues

Maybe i'm morose because i'm under the weather. Dark, bleak thoughts keep trying to lay claim to me even though i keep shoving them away.

I'm an analyzer. I look for the subtext in everything and rarely take anything at surface value. This includes conversations with very close friends. I should qualify that I suppose... I don't do it ALL the time or with everybody. But often - yeah.

Sure, there are times I pick apart a conversation - go back over things said to me - and completely misinterpret what was verbalized, applying my own context and evaluation based on where I'm at or where i've been. But I'm also cognizant of that danger and apply a certain amount of self-caution when I catch myself peeling back the onion layers to try and figure out what is REALLY going on... what is really meant... what is really being said... and what was left unsaid.

Is that a woman thing to do? An artist's proclivity? Or just a freaky aspect of the person i am?

I can chew on a conversation for days. Usually it is one that has sent up intuitive red flags. I'll fray the threads and try to follow them mentally to the source, then bind them back to view them from a different angle. Do i ever wave these plucked shreds in the face of the person who coughed them up? No. Hardly ever.

I store them and wait.

Risk

The thing about risk is that it entails something that can be lost.

By the same token it also offers something to be gained.

The only way we learn about ourselves and grow beyond our self-imposed boundaries is by taking risks... stepping out of our comfort zone and taking chances.

Risk involving other people is usually even more... risky.

But sometimes well worth it.

ignore my bitching

i think i'm just tired and ready for some changes.
Whenever i get too snarly, its time to retreat and re-evaluate.

Limbo ain't an easy place to live in.

one of the reasons i find it hard to trust...

...is due to people that i allow near, begin to trust, and then discover that they are saying one thing to me and doing another.

Whatever.

Just don't bitch at me when i don't open up, when i act sceptical and when i begin to pull back.

Pffft.

Much wiser to stay two steps back and keep the walls firmly up and view the world with a cynically humorous eye.

Conflicted

I waste a ridiculous amount of energy on being conflicted. Sometimes it feels like a tiger pacing inside, unable to decide between door one and door two, or no doors at all. And yeah - i know i just totally fucked with Lady and Tiger analogy. Pffft. I like mine better.

I was thinking this weekend, that there is a thin line between illusion and disillusionment. I tried to come up with something clever using "dis," but it wouldn't come to me. Like so many other things lately, it remained just out of reach.

I'm looking for something, I guess, but I don't know what it is... which pretty much assures I'll never find it. Or maybe it is just that there have been a few too many disappointments lately. I'm normally an optimistic person, but recently my otherside - the dark, sceptical one, seems to be manning the helm.

Maybe i just need to pick a fucking door and damn the consequences.

As if I could ever do that.

untitled

i will not drown in darkness

not again

no matter how seductive

the dark sighs of despair

i'll hang on

to every fragile step

i've made

that crushed ghosts beneath my feet

and moved me ever so slowly

up this glass mountain

slippery with angry tears.

Reflecting

Was chatting to a friend last night about the changes in my life, in my attitudes, in how I've grown in the past half year - ironically returning back to my original self which had been lost for so terribly long. He called me a "free spirit" and said i was rediscovering that part of myself. It startled me because it has been a very, very long time since anyone referred to me as a free spirit.

I know I used to be. I used to be creative and fun and confident. Oh, a lot of people think I am but they only see the facade that i've become very good at projecting. I do good fake. I always have.

But i realized something last night during that chat, I AM moving gradually toward a happier place within myself. I am living less in fear and more in hope and anticipation. To those I trust, I have begun to relax and share more... trust more. This is a good thing. That i've begun to trust even a little in people again is a huge step forward.

and sometimes...

...people you were once connected to are best left alone as memories.

Trying to revisit the past can rip away the illusions and reveal there was really nothing substantial after all. Then... even the lovely memories are taken away, replaced by bitterness.

..................

Luckily for me I am quite adept at slamming that shit behind a door and locking the sucker up tight so i never have to think about it again. Defense mechanisms are a great thing.

Sunday babble

It is kinda amusing to me that even though i've mentioned this Chatter spot to a group of friends, the only peeps who checks over here regularly (at all) to see what is going on in my head are G and Rob. Maybe it confirms the inaneness of my thoughts? ~grinning~

The flipside to that amusement is that it really is sweet to have a place to just let thoughts flow without worrying about perception, image, agendas, blah blah blah.

I can let my random self run around like the wild child it is. Wahoo - tangent hell - here we come. ~snickering~

Did a photoshoot at the riverwalk farmer's market yesterday morning. It was like a little street fair with booths, produce and plants. Very quaint and delightful. And the fruit was freakin awesome. Made me ponder what we give up for the sanitized, easy access produce that grocery stores provide. Sure, the fruit had bugs in it and had to be thoroughly cleansed when i got it home - but damn - it was the sweetest blackberries and strawberries i've eaten in years. We've become so comfortable in convenience that we forget what we sacrifice for that ease. 

Connections

We make all sorts of different kinds of friends in life.  We have the friends that have known us forever and have traveled down the road of life with us. Whether we keep in touch frequently or infrequently - we know those friends have proven by still being there that they can always be counted on and the friendship has survived the test of time. They tend to be a very small, very select group and they know shit about you that can make you cringe. But the same goes in reverse.  :P

Then there are the people we meet that we have an instant connection to. They may not be life-long friends but they play a powerful role in our lives and again, we know intuitively - they are along for the long haul. Whether we talk to them daily or sporatically - they "get" us and we hold them near and dear to our hearts. This is probably the rarest type of friendship and on of the most precious. There aren't that many people out there that you KNOW will stand beside you no matter what. There aren't that many people that will love you unconditionally. 

Then we have the friends that are more than acquaintances due to the amount of affection shared. This is the more common kind - they are the meat and potatoes of our social circles - whether it is online or in so-called real life. We hang out with them, we share experiences, we have fun together. They don't get to see into the dark corners of our soul that often, if at all but they lift us up and make us smile.

We also have aquaintances that we call friends, especially in networks like facebook and blogging - we rarely chat but delight in them when we run across them. They are like our party pals. There is never any exchange of anything significant but we love to wave and hug... and move on.

Finally we have the friends who aren't really friends but strangers who lay claim to friendship. We never talk to them, don't know who the hell they are and wonder where the fuck they came from. This is almost exclusively a facebook friending phenomenon. Now to be fair - in some cases - these strangers do become aquaintances over time through their persistance, and even in some instances real friends. But that instant connection isn't there so it takes time.  

Oh - i forgot one... friends who aren't friends at all but enemies in disguise. I don't think i have any of those... but i hear they exist. Online and in real life. No - i take that back... i can think of a few people in "real life" that smile and make nice to my face but then curl their lips and say shit behind my back. But then, i don't consider them friends at all.

fuck it

that is all i have to say today.
just fuck it.